Humans: LIVING EMOTIONS.
I have always had many questions about life, relationships, feelings, & emotional outbursts. Over the last 3 years, I have learned I am not as in control as I would like to be.
RELATIONSHIPS– It is no secret to anyone who knows me personally that I have had my fair share of sharing my life with the wrong people. For a long time, my mother always told me “being pretty won’t always get you by in life.” It did for me, at least made things simpler. Little did I realize, emotionally- I was fucked.
Exchanging passionate dancing for $20 bills is absolutely mortifying. Most dancers would tell you they have perfect home lives, great sex, pay their bills, whatever it is that makes a human productive. Not this girl, being touched constantly changed me as a person; from being numb to everyone knowing what I look like topless, upside-down on a pole, to a very private long passionate dance with 4 other strippers and 10 bottles. I was in a beautiful relationship actually, and I couldn’t even give her what she needed because dancing on strangers for money was more important. Sexually, I didn’t want to be touched outside of the club. Money was my boyfriend, we did everything together. In return; my relationship failed.
FEELINGS- No, I wasn’t the girl who talked about how attractive a man was. If you walked into my club you were a victim of manipulation financially. I learned how to look at people in the eyes, and lie to them without blinking- this is morally in my personal opinion, wrong. Life has taught me so many things, but feelings and the emotions that come from a situation are subjects I don’t seem to understand.
I was not a good person. I want to be a better person. I want to forgive myself for the false fantasies I provided that caused hurt.
Side note: People say you should be independent and strong, I need to be held. Maybe I am weak?